HAPPY HALLOWEEN!!!

And to all you creepy crawleez a good night...! Ahh... My favorite non-religious holiday... Instead of another lame photo of me in uniform, I decided to show what I was doing this time last year... and my costume was just that good... Well today is moving day... Goodbye FOB DANGER... Hello FOB Speicher... I guess that is our Trick or Treat... We will find out when we get there... ok yall bustaz... make sure you carve up some kiddies and scare the pumpkins for me... I am going to C-Walk to the Devil's moon in Iraq...

MUAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHHAH....Cough...HAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAH...bleh...

-Crypt Keeper

And I wonder... Yes I wonder...

Who'll stop the rain...? Will you...? Will I...? I only know of one that can... Today is Sunday here... Octobre 30th... The day after... Day after what...? I don't feel this is the right place to tell you... So maybe when I am back (In Shallah) ... We will be at Cliff's or Leandro's together and I will let you know what has transpired... Why I feel the way I feel... and why I will look at you the way I do... Yes Yes... that is the appropriate setting... At church today... which by the way was conducted on a fold out table with no chairs (we are moving bases... mailing address the same...!) ... the message was of one that made yesterday that much more meaningful... I learned a lot yesterday... today's message at church told me how to use it... the message simplisticly was to be humble... know your place in the grand scheme of things... do not get caught up in your own glory to extent you forget what really matters... I was in Bayji/Beiji/Beyji (same place... arabs spell it any way they want too) ... had lots of important meetings... saw key sites that will lead the coalition to victory or doom it to another 10 years here... I felt important... We (M-Lo and I) had work to do that had very important people interested in it... The road to success was laden with exciting challanges... And over the course of the last few weeks I know realise I lost focus on what really matters to me... You... You see as we were gallivanting around Bayji that morning a soldier was killed not more than a few hours before hand... 4 others injured... another IED of course... If we would have known that before hand maybe I would have called you... woke you up... and said "just wanted to say Hi because I miss you..." not even a simple email or maybe just a little prayer for you... but I didn't... I didn't even say good luck to M-Lo (he was in a different HUMVEE) ... I went about my business as if I didn't have a care in the world... and things could have easily turned out different that day...

Hi...

-Me

THESE SCHNOZBERRIES TASTE LIKE SCHNOZBERRIES...

So I was like...

Woah...

and they were like...

Woah...

and we are were like...

wooooooooooooooah...

killer...

Yea maaaaaaaan... nothing relaxes you like a hooka after dinner... Anyways... I have to get ready for a trip to Baghdad tomorrow... and then somewhere... and then to Beyji on Saturday... So I am not going to be able to like blog this blog ya know for a couple days... So keep your hooka'z on simmer... percolate the fog... inhale the ride... and puff the magik dragon... Till Saturday my friends... Be good... Be Safe... and enjoy the show...

Speeding and...? Speeding and...? Speeding and...? Speeding and...? Smokin' the Reefer...

-Super Troopers

DJ INSURGENT, MC DURKA, and GrandMasta J

SAY HI TO THE BAD GUY!

Das right... Das right... Me and the homies have no scratcheez on us...! Try again lata Mr. Bad Guy... You know what... You a Cocka-Roach...!!

Welcome back to another exciting adventure of Mark Dangers and Wonder Boy M-Lo... Last time we left the dynamic duo in unknown peril... What happened you ask...? I can give you the long story... or the short story... Not being short with words... I will give you the long short story... As ju know we had to go up to Kirkuk... what goes up... must come down... So after meetings with some really fat Iraqi Colonels and looking at some common placed environmental hazzards that would make Exxon Valdez cringe... It was time to depart... We gotta go on a long stretch of road... quite like the 10 between Phoenix and Blythe... There are a couple things you see commonly on a road trip in Iraq... First and foremost a bunch of pot holes from previous IED/VBIED explosions... After a while they say you can tell which ones are new... You want to stay away from fixed pot holes because those pesky bad guys like to put bombs in those... Also people like to hang out on the side of the road and give you hand gestures... from the wave... to the finger... whether they know what the finger means or some G.I. taught them that it means peace... I don't know... Also cars like to line up on the side of the road for no good apparent reason... Is there a sale at Ross...? And lot's of sheep/goats running around... So we chit chat on out nifty intercom things... Oh by the way... I got to be the vehicle commander on this venture... what that means is a 20 year old Army Sgt (vehicle operator) told me what to do and when to do it... I would like say I had the coolest vehicle crew this side of the Tigris... well both sides for that matter... The Sgt dude is the operator... A 4ft nothing specialist chica was our gunner (I heard one of the best gunners) ... And of course M-Lo... So we discussed everything from Soju to Absynthe... which can be bought on the internet legally... Hey Chairman check those facts... All the while keeping the eye out for things that go BOOM...! So finally we make to the city of Tikrit... The usual bustling of a 3rd world country street is going on... No adherence to law and general chaos... You definitly want to keep an eye out here cuz there are so many things that come at ya... Driving along the Sgt Operator dude says to be... Hey that looks like a VBIED if I have ever seen one... and I say... Yup...! The Tale Tell signs of a VBIED are as follows... Lowered (not like the homies in the lowriders... these don't have hydralics... just a bunch of bombs that keep it low... to the windooooooooooooooow...) ... looks like a hooptie with it's tail pipe draggin (no one is going to use their brand new beemer... come to think of it every car here looks like a hoop ride...) ... and brand new tires (Don't want to get a flat on the way to Allah...!) ... So yea... we give it a wide berth... and only the penantent man shall pass... and we do... about 30 - 45 seconds later a rear gunner says... Would you look at that...!!! A big ol' cloud of black smoke is rising behind us... My Sgt Army Dude Operator says... I knew it...! I knew it was a VBIED...! This is where you think... woa... and press... Now the U.S. Military has developed many ways to mitigate the implentation of such devices... of course I can't tell you cuz you would have to Die... but we think it worked... and we lived another day... regardless whatever that was it didn't have our name on it... and that is a good thing... right M-Lo...? We got future adults to develop and another Hooka to light up... You try not to think about the what ifs cuz it would drive you crazy... so you cover them up with a smoke or nonsensical topics such as Donnie Darko or Young Frankenstein... but it always kind of creeps in there... that is what Prayers are for... at least for me... and for those Cocka-Roachaz that tried and failed...

We Bury You...

Cash Rules Everything Around Me... CREAM! Dolla Dolla Billz Yallllllllll... Like the Meth said... it does... That pic above has me holdin 200Gs+... No I didn't find a secret stash of cash... That is how we pay for things... cash money... Uncle Sam only deals with Pepe Iraqi in greenbacks... So naturally I needed a cigar in my mouth for the full effect... Funny though... I didn't feel like this money was worth any monetary amount to me... It was worth a plane ticket home...

That's the way it is with a wiseguy partner. He gets his money no matter what. You got no business? Fuck you, pay me. You had a fire? Fuck you, pay me. The place got hit by lightning and World War Three started in the lounge? Fuck you, pay me.

-Henry Hill

P.S. to Lee... Yes I was laughing like Ray Liotta... now go home and get your shine box...

Guess who's back...

Back again...

Marky's back...

Tell a Friend...

Well I am back from my trip from Kirkuk... And that is a pic of me as the VEHICLE COMMANDER BOYEEEEEEEEEEEEE... You could say it ended on a "bang" of sorts...

What does Mark mean...? Did our super hero meet some untimely end... Was Wonder Boy M-Lo too late...? Well viewers... You are just going to have to return tomorrow at the same Schfitz Time... and the same Schfitz Place to find out what happened...

On a serio note... I am tired... and sniffly... achoo... timbuk one timbuk two... So I am going to go rest my weary head on a cot... YAWN... Long two days... Hey I can see a lack of participation on the posts... If you read... You must do the deed... Shout out to all the Jaramillo's on the AZ-cyde (Clint and Malena)... Keepin it RAAAAAIL on the posts... I don't know what that self posting by anonymous about how DEEEEEEEEEAD sexy the guy was in the middle... Have you no shame O...? Ok... My M9 is saying it is time to go to sleeps... PEACE OUT MY PEEEP'OLAZ... Keep yo' BOMBZ off my PIPELINES...! Pull Out your HOOKAZ and Light up a FAT Nuggie...

Speeding And...? Speeding And...? Speeding And...? Speeding And...?

PEACE IN THE MIDDLE EAST AND CHICKEN GREASE...!

Blog ya lata...

Mark Augustin Jaramillo

aka DJ Fizzy

1978-20XX

Going Back to Kirkuk... Kirkuk... Going Back to Kirkuk... Kirkuk...

I don't think so...

IZ IT CUZ YOU LIKE MY GANGSTA WALK...?

Now everyday is a Holy Day... So Stop the violence and put the Gat away.. five'o'fo... nine'sev'tooo... sev'wun'three... whatcha gunna du...? There is nothing like learning something and then applying it 5 seconds later... Today's Church lesson... Since it is a Holy Day... Was to reiterate what was said two weeks ago... My favorite J.C. (not the dog...) was talking one of his more important points... When asked what is the most important of the big 10 (commandments) ... He comes back saying... the First one of course... Obvious answer... They knew it... But what they didn't expect was the second line... Don't forget the second... Love thy neighbor as you love yourself... Cuz like we discussed two long weeks ago... You can't have one without the other... Respect homies... this is what I am trying to get across... Respect those people... You don't have to like them... but respect their place and press (press is short for move on) ... Try to bite your tongue before you say something mean and don't mean it... Remember... The fish wouldn't get into trouble if it just kept his mouth closed... Of course a shark could always eat it... Obviously there is alway a place... trying to get everyone and myself to think...

Observation... You know you are in a combat zone when the guy passing out the sacramental bread has a 9mm pistola strapped to his leg...

You know what I miss over here... Being alone... I am sure everyone here can agree... There isn't anywhere you can go to be truely alone... somebody is always around the corner... You need that alone time to center yourself sometimes... Try it if you haven't... make a point to go to a place and just calm the mind... To many distractions in the world... Of course what is good for the goose isn't always good for the gander... what does that mean...? Well what I mean... we all have our place of centering... Some of you go to the alter of two 1200s... Some just drive with music...

Find your place and visit it often...

Hey Pam... We got our fingers like that because... you want it close to the trigger but not on it... and our thumbs are on the safety switch... just in case we catch a case...

Well time has run out for today... meetings took all my time... Umm... I don't know if I will be back tomorrow... I will try... but no promises... If not... you guys tighten your belts till I get access to a computer... I will leave you with this...

This is how we chill from 93 till... find it... play it...

I may hate you now... But I will love you forever...

-Anonymous

Two Creams... One Sugar... Yes Capi'tan!

Before we get too far along in this deployment it is about time I talk about who I am here with... You have heard me refer to Wonder Boy M-Lo and SrA O a couple of times... but not really talked about them... Well this one is going to be about Wonder Boy M-Lo and the grand supreme... Well not too much about the grand supreme but I thought that sounded cool... Later in the coming days I will try to highlight those that I interact with pretty much every second of the day (we don't even want to talk about the way these two dudes arranged their beds...anyways...) ...

Wonder Boy M-Lo The Epilogue

Wonder Boy M-Lo was born on a far away planet we like to call Florida. Actually I don't know where he was born... but I know he was raised in Florida... then he got deployed to Iraq... I had a few interactions with the Wonder Boy M-Lo during my stint in Tucson a couple of years ago... But nothing to extent of interactions we have today... You could say I am his boss... But I prefer to be known as his lord, don capitan, el jefe, supreme being, or maybe just friend... Of course we are in a military that has structure... But if you respect people enough you can maintain that structure without losing your humanity (don't think you are getting out of IED checker detail M-Lo...) ... From what I have seen from this young'n is he is a good troop... And has a good head on the shoulders... That is evident from what I have seen how he regards his wife and children... Funny... in most aspects of life's course he is farther ahead than I am... so much for young'n... But let us not forget where we are at... A war zone... My role as el oil dude has outside the wire more often than not... And where I go... Wonder Boy goes... I have no doubt that in the future way may encounter some risk... and I have full confidence that M-Lo will take that bullet for me... just kidding... In all seriousness... Don't worry Sarah... Wonder Boy will be ok... Even better than ok... Cuz he knows a luck guy like me... Lucky to have a friend that you call hun... ok enough mush... don't forget two creams and ond sugar M-Lo...

Everybody my age or younger is having kids... or is having kids... One of my best friends from High School has one and one in the oven... M-Lo has two... My cuz in AZ has treeeeee... Another friend ;) is expecting real soon in cali... and I don't even want to start talking about the Aguilars... Dang Chella, what we missing...? of course there is no rush... but I think I am getting more paternal in my old age... As I sing M-Lo to sleep I can't help but wonder when am I going to get my own nugget... j/k... You can't help but wonder what kind of parent you gunna be... I look back when I was a child and think... my parents did a good job... Scared straight by Pops... And consoled by Mom's cookies... and cake... and food and food and food... no wonder I WAS A FAT KID... but I got good grades... so there... hmmph... what the heck am I talking about...

Good thing tomorrow is Sunday or I might run out of things to talk about...

You know what the feel good story of this blog entry is today... It is never too late to mend a friendship... All it takes is a little nudge... Frineds rarely can't be friends again... there are extreme cases... but most fallouts are misunderstandings... then if you let life's waves do its thing... it will pull you both apart... mentally and physically... so your good deed of the day is to think hard about a friend that life made you part ways for some reason and give them a lil nudge... call, write a letter, yell into the wind, smoke signal... or maybe just an email... it just might be the start of a new old friendship...

Now don't you feel all warm and googily...? well stop... cuz i just noticed how big my nose is on that picture... if you guys were friends you would have told me about my nose...

it's over...

hey...

come back...

I'm lonely...

Tough guys don't do math. Tough guys fry chicken for a living.

-Jaime Escalante

BABY I'M FREAK-AY!!!

Well today was one of those days where I had to face the fire... Hence the picture... So I don't have time write much... aww... I am sure you are all heart broken... Had lots of meetings and briefings today... toss in your usual amounts of booms... saute with some sand... and sprinkle a little call to prayer at night... don't forget to garnish with gunfire... and right there you have the perfect Iraqi deployment ready to serve on a cold dish...

You all have a Freak-ay friday night... Have one for me... heck have two... and I know you Jaramillo's don't stop at two... Do what must be done mi familia...! The rest of you be good... and come back tomorrow for another exciting blog entry...!

What are they going to do...? Send me to Iraq...

- Wonder Boy M-Lo

I LOVE THE SMELL OF NAPALM IN THE MORNING...

God I love it so... Anyways... I picked up a nasty habit... well not too nasty of a habit... Smoking a Cigarillo after a successful convoy... Smells good... They are cappuccino flavored so I practically eat them before I light it up... A certain SrA O has these ones called Black and Mild... they smell better... hmm... Anyways... HUA... As of late the local Iraqi populace has decided to show their appreciation for a "successful" election by putting on a firework show... Unfortunately the fireworks must be defective due to the fact that they only go bang! after they fall onto our base... The reason I bring this up is because there has been more and more activity lately with these fireworks... As you may or may not know I will be departing this base due to the fact that it is closing... If you remember I eluded to fact that this place might become a resort... That is because we are giving all these lovely facilities back to the good people of Iraq... and we are all moving to a base on the other side of town... I can't tell you when... cuz I would have to kill you... But I digress... The reason they have been launching at us is because they want it to appear that they ran us out of town... Hilarious, the amount of chest beating gorilla-esk manuevers of the enemy... So boom boom boom let me hear you say Hey-O...! We will hear that crap till we leave... and that is all she wrote on that lame topic... but I still think it is a cool picture... thanks M-Lo...

So it is official... We are going to be part of the 101st Airborne Division... AIRBORNE!... Also known as the screaming eagles... Need I remind you...? Have you not watched the Band of Brothers show from HBO... If not... Go rent the DVDs or buy the set... It is not Sopranos but it is pretty good... It follows Capt Winters and his band of brothers from basic training where the deal with a big... dork... of an OIC... We have all interacted with one... watch the show you will see what I am talking about... Played by David Schwimmer (sp?) from Friends... But cooler than that is Capt Winters (played by Mark Wahlberg's brother... six degrees of seperation from boogie nights) best friend Capt....mmm... can't remember the name... is played by that guy from Office Space... He even acts kind of the same... Sooooooo yeaaaaaaaaaa I am going to need you to come in on Saturday and watch Band of Brothers... better make that Sunday too... yeaaa... NOW SHOW ME YOUR O FACE...!

So we are going to actually get the 101st Airborne Div patch (Screaming Eagle) ... but we can't wear cuz we are Air Force... but it will look cool in my shadow box when I retire from the miltary... HA YEA RIGHT...!

Remind me to tell you about the Life of Pi...

Moving along to the next topic... hmm...

Like a record...oooooooooooooooooo

-O Face Guy

THEY CALL ME THE DIRK OF OIL

And you can be my Brock Landers any day... How much you bench...?

I don't know if I will have time to post tonight CUZ I AM BIZZ'Y...! The topic tonight is the picture boys and girls... How about you over there in those french braids...? DISCUSS!

AIR POWER vs DURKA POWER

Ooooh Fire... Fire Fire...! What we have here is the Al Fathah Bridge... Or used to be a bridge... Here is an example of being too good at something for your own good... Americans are good at a lot of things... Basketball (till last Olympics...) , Futbol Americano , frying twinkies and WAR... WAR! HUA...! WHAT IZ IT GOOD FOR...? I will let you answer that yourself... So we start a little war in a little country named Iraq... Send in the planes... We bombed the 'ish out of everything... Only problem is... maybe we went a lil overboard... We bomb this bridge because of lalalal tactical reason... They didn't think we would have to rebuild this country after we bombed it... to add fuel to the fire literally... This bridge is the main link of all the oil to the north (review prior blogs if you are still foggy...) to Baghdad... and some other important reasons... So not only do they have to fix this bridge... they have to find a permanent solution to getting the oil across... Hopefully if there is another Gulf War III we won't bomb this particular bridge... Because of it's importance... Now you know it is important... The U.S. Military now knows it's importance... The provisional Iraqi government know's its importance... Guess who else know's its... THE BAD GUYS...! So you can stop saying to yourself... man that thing has been burning since the war...?!?!?! No... We are trying to fix it... and the bad guys keep coming in and blasting our progress... Now to the title of the blog... We sent a (rough estimate) $50 Million plane to drop a bomb that cost a couple of G's... And did some damage... Some pissed off dude in a man dress and scarf for a hat plants a bomb that probably cost less than your cell phone and did some damage... Now... who win's...? Air or Durka...? (FYI: Durka is a term to describe almost anything over here... in this case the bad guys... it hasn't been deemed racially offensive... yet)
So naturally we had to get here... What does that mean boys and girls...? CONVOY time... This is steadily becoming a natural course of life over here but they never instill the same feeling... When you go on one of these things you are first pumped up... Got your gear on... Your coo ballistic shades... Your hi-tech 7.62mm proof vest... 270 rounds of enemy defeating lead... M-16A2 on ready... M-9 just in case... Boots laced and you are on your way... A fish in a giant armored fish bowl (uparmored HUMVEE) ... That is what it feels like... You look out and that is all you can do... If you ever have to get out of your fish bowl some bad shizzle just went dizzle... Your eyes look at everything... In a helicoptor ride you feel "higher", almost untouchable so you wave to the kids and enjoy the sites... In the HUMVEE (FYI never call a military HUMVEE a Hummer) it is lots of buisness... You don't wave... You don't smile... You look prepared... Everybody is potentially a bad guy... Every vehicle can kill... Any piece of trash has potential... So you are looking out of your fish bowl (you actually get a fish bowl effect cuz of the transparent armored glass... real thick) real hard... And all sorts of crazy thoughts go through my head... Like... Here we go... People walking... That person doesn't look to happy to see me... I can't believe I actually have a two weapons with rounds in the chamber... Is that vehicle sitting too low (VBIED Indicator) ... Woa the driver just went over the median (Convoy's don't stop) ... Do I have enough underwear for tomorrow... What was that noise... Man this guy knows how to drive (he is from New York) ... How did I get myself in this position... I wonder what Ilyne is doing... mmm burrito... A little warm in here... Eyes tired (amazingly you get tired) ... Don't close your eyes for Godsakes...! Going under a bridge eeeeeeeeeee... we made it... I wonder if she will love me like that again...? Why are those people standing like that... I hope the gunner is awake... This is where those guys got blasted... This country is dirty... We made it... I need to start smoking... what am I going to write about in tonight's blog... So yea... You think of the craziest stuff... at least I do... I am sure people handle it in different ways... Our driver is some cool Army Sgt from New York... Real tough guy... Took a suicide car blast a couple of feet from his door... But still drives his HUMVEE like a champ... Always feel like I am riding lady luck when he is my vehicle's driver... He is going home soon... He deserves it... Going to miss that lady luck...

Well I don't know who put the Jesus Juice in my comments box but my cousin and cousin-in-law were sure starting something... I think they need something bigger than a blog...

If you haven't smiled at someone today... you are wrong... have a good day everybody... I miss you... you too M-Lo... oh yea... don't forget... 2 creams one sugar...

In the practical art of war, the best thing of all is to take the enemy's country whole and intact; to shatter and destroy it is not so good.

-Sun Tzu, the Art of War

MY COUSINS!

Those are mi Primos (primos = cousins in spanish for those that are illiterate like I am in Spanish...) ... They are theeeee coolest... I have a lot of coo cousins... And a lot of coo friends... As a matter of fact I know a lot of coo people... My cousins to be included (I like circles...) ... I thought I would put that picture together cuz I am sure you are all getting a lil tired of seeing my mug up on the screen... 'Cept for M-lo ,,my compatriot in armz, only I have been featured in the pics... So a rendition of myself (the cute cuddly bear) with a picture of my cousins in Germany was in order... I was scheduled to be on that little venture to the big Germ... but my flight must have been rerouted to Iraq... Imagine that... Let me tell you something... Three Jaramillo's (My bro went too...) in a foreign country is border line illegal... Four would have been insane... That must be the reason why they sent me here...

Story behind the bear... There is always a story behind a bear... Let me tell you something... This place sucks... You can cut it one hundred ways and it still sucks... Food sucks (every week same thing) , plumbing sucks (no water for showers in buildings, stinky port-a-potties everywhere) , living conditions sucks (no beds just cots in a room with thirty other dudes) and even the air sucks... We are in the middle of a dust storm... Just a nasty haze of crap in the air... When it isn't dust, it is smokey from all the locals burning oil cuz that is just what they like to do... Burn oil... One thing that doesn't suck are U.S. Citizens...! They send us stuff... Lots and lots of stuff... Without us even asking... Random organizations send us stuff... Even Stuff (the mag) sends us stuff... Anything you can think of they send... it really is reassuring... and we all appreciate it... Enter the bear... Some school or something got together and bought all those little white cuddly bears and sent them over... Everyone has their little furry bear... Mine, affectionately called Chino-Bear, guards my computer at night... He likes long walks along oil encrusted rivers and burning things... Little things like that are cool and makes this place that much more tolerable... So you will probably see Chino-Bear pop up in pictures from time to time... Beware the Bear... rowr... meow... fssk... But on the real... Thank you America from this hairy Captain... You never let us down (I mean after Vietnam and all...) ... This song is for you...

Wise... men... say... only fools fall in love... ok enough... now send me something I can eat...!

Hey EAZY...! Why you wear your pants that way...? Eazy access baby...

You know what I like about that quote from Mr. Eric Wright (RIP) ...? Not the innuendo you perv... He is responding to the people... And so shall I... Let's look at what people have posted to me... Something from my cousin about Landstul... umm can't help you there... Annie says where can I get a rub or manicure... Well you can in Kuwait... I heard they are great... But in Iraq they cut your hair and then beat the hell out of you... They say it is a massage... but it really is a beating... then they crack your neck... Some people asking about my address... I will post that in a week or so because I am moving soon... and I don't want my mail to get lost... (FYI: it takes about 3 weeks for it to get here...) Some comments about LA Times... eh... I will save my comments about LA Times for when I can read it again... hmm somebody called me a harry meelio... I think i know who that is... only one person has called me that... well more than one... but I think I know who you are... harry is coming to getcha... hmm Bud Dry on tap in Europe... Gross... ok pressing... Yes yes... The party is on in Vegas when I get back... all are invited... only a few will survive... Request for more pictures... Ok E calm down... I will send you some... you crazy mercedez driving chica...! Say hi to Taco Bell Grande for me... Brother giving me some heartfelt love... is there any other kind... PLEAZE MELENA SEND ME A GREEN CHILE BURRITO... your food is like shaggy... bombastic... Ahh... Sarah... Your Monkey M-Lo husband is in good hands... wait that sounds gay... I got his back... uhh... anyways... we will both be home real soon Sarah... Look forward to meeting the kids someday... He shows them to me all the time... A Cutie Lil BAHBEE'Z!!! ok... where did my manhood go... And P'la says where do I get the time to write this stuff... It doesn't take so long when you got the skillz man... Plus the mandated hours of work, Twelve hours a day with no weekends... The time is in the details... And the Law Creator speaks ominous words of a soon to be lawyer with no soul... Glad he is my friend... Watch out Hermosa Beach Cop-Man...!

The next couple of weeks should be pretty exciting for me and Boy Wonder M-Lo... A couple of trips around this beautiful country... and a venture to the Daddy of the Baghs (come on... put it together) ... Those kind of things all ways job my philosophical side... so get your perverbial shot glasses ready for some Patron Markorados... without the salt or lime... be a man about it...

What is that coming out of her nose...? Ohh Sh!t... Space Balls... There goes the planet...

-Monkeys on horses

Render unto Ceasar's what is Ceasar's...
Today is that special day of the week ladies and gen'amens... Yeah it is Sunday... The day where you realize awww man I gotta go to work tomorrow so let's have a BAR - B - QUE...! Oh yea and if you are willing you give your respected place of worship an hour of your life (maybe more depending on your religion or none at all) ... If you are Catholic you complain and whine that you gotta go and if you go you start giving the priest subliminal messages that time is running close to an hour by looking at your watch every genuflection... Ahh I love being Catholic... Like a fat boy loves cake... Today's Mass over here in the sandbox was at combat speed... Drier than Lancaster and quicker than a Jaramillo to a beer... We were out of there by the half hour mark (hehe he said Mark... hehe) ... I know some people would appreciate that... But I want substinance... I didn't even have time to interpret today's Gospel into something that makes sense... Had a lot of God is the only God stuff in the readings... The Gospel according to Matt was the one where those Herodian dudes are up to no good... Always trying to mess up Jesus's game by talking jazz about if we should pay taxes... I am sure if Jesus would have said... NO WAY! The IRS would have transported back in time and arrested him... But Jesus, always good with the spoken word said... Give me that coin... who is on there...? Washington... and he said in a modern day interpretation... Repay unto D.C. what is D.C.'s.. and give God what is God's... Now this is where I need to think...
Ok... I have been thinking about this all day... Basically what I think this is... man this is tough... Follow the rules of the land... Plus maintain your bond with God... Now this has many implication in the military... Where do you draw the line where law ends... and God begins... I can almost hear my pre-Law friend cringe... As far as U.S. Law goes you don't... We have laws... many many many laws... That contradict each other... Hence the need for lawyers to interpret... Wow... This blog is going nowhere... You will do things in your life that are wrong... We all sin/break the law... What matters is how that plays into your life... A sinner can sin and be redeemed... A law breaker can break the law and pay man's penalty to be free again... A sinner that doesn't have a redemption clause in life will continue to sin and it will lead to moral corruption... Same applies in law... If there were no laws, chaos would ensue... And there would be no purpose for hell cause there would be no lawyers... j/k (had to get that in there Chairman) ... We need to heed both laws and sinful things (mmm... Sinfully chocolate...) ... We are human though... God knows this... Not to sure the law does though... I HATE YOU HERMOSA BEACH PO'POs...! I will wrap this up because words are just words and I am getting carried away... Be wary of who you are and how you affect other people... Laws and perceptions be damned... Don't worry too much... Cause you will always have a brother, family and friend in me (you too Hermosa Beach Police man... but if I see you in an alleyway...) ... And we will all be ok... I think...
Hey... Did you hear the word...? These bustaz over here voted... They don't know if it passed or not but that is water under the bridge... I knew they wouldn't let me down... All they need to do now is start pumping oil and we be straight... I will take back every haji-laden durka word I have ever said about the man dress wearing, towel wrapping little guys. Just kidding... they coo... now where's my squishy!
Here is an interesting fact of the day... You know my last name... some of you have it... Now say it the way you are suppose to say it... HA-R (roll that r' like a tiger... rowr...) A-ME-YO... Apparently if you say that fast to an Arab speaking individual they will say that means Ali Baba... So yea... I am all chilling thinking... I am the Ali Baba... Ali Baba and the forty theives... Ali Baba and the forty thieves... Torching and crakin' and rhymin' and stealin'. Robbin' and raping - busting two in the ceiling. I'm wheeling' - I'm dealin' - I'm drinking, not thinking. Never cower, never shower - and I'm always stinking. Yo ho ho and a pint of Brass Monkey. And when my girlie shakes her hips - she sure gets funky. Skirt chasing, free basing - killing every village. We drink and rob and rhyme and pillage! Uhhh... yea... no... That is a bad thing over here... I guess he is like the American equivalent to Jesse James... without the good side... So I am just Captain J to any arab I meet now... But this isn't new to anybody... Jaramillo's been stealing hearts since the beginning...

President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't even get this in Florida.

- Jay Leno

FREEDOM!!!!

Quick update: In my haste I didn't look through all my viable options... YOU NO LONGER HAVE TO REGISTER WITH BLOGSPOT TO POST A COMMENT!!! SORRY ABOUT THAT...!!! There is also a little word verification thing everytime you post a comment... that prevents those weird come over and check out my website automatic comments... You can leave aonononononnymous comments if you like... I would rather you not... Put your name somewhere so I know who you are... But all the same... please post comments at will... Thank you... update to this update to follow...
Here is the update to the update... That picture above is of me in a palace... They are pretty gaudy in my opinion... Almost MTV Crib'ish... You know Ho'Dunk homeboy makes a song, gets some money and buys a crib with a golden toliet or something... The 10 foot rule definitely in effect... Within 10 feet of anything in the palace you can tell that the craftsmanship is pretty bad... They need to watch This Old House or something... You can't walk a minute without somebody reminding you that all this was built with the money from Food for Oil U.N. created agreement where Saddam was only supposed to sale his oil for items that benefited his populace... Obviously he didn't live up to his end of the bargain... And how all this went "unnoticed" with Coalition forces to the North and South of Iraq for about 10 years, I don't know... The plan for these palaces are to turn them over to the Iraqi people to do with them as they please... I heard they might turn them into resorts... I guess that could be nice... They could turn them into glorified toliets for all I care... I would rather visit the Venetian in Vegas though... Hey Lee, remember the deal... ALL ON RED BABY... Ask Lee if you want to know the deal...
Well today is vote day for Iraq... They have about 4.5 hours left to turn in their vote... There is weird calm all about us... No vehicles on the streets due to the driving ban... Just the whirr of the helicopters and the clanking of U.S. Fighting Vehicles... Hopefully it stays like this for a while... I am expecting a high turnout from the people... I have nothing to back that up but my own confidence in a free people... Once they start helping themselves out then we can help ourselves out of this country... I think one reason we are having such a tough time over here is we don't understand them... And they don't understand us... But since we are in their country it is more on the side of understanding them... Take this into account the next time you visit a muslim country... They have faith... A lot of faith... In the eyes of the American they have too much faith... For instance... Everybody knows you are supposed to change the oil in your car every... for Jiffy Lube's sake... 3000 miles... (we all know that is a lie but we do it anyways just in case) ... Let us say you never changed the oil... What would happen... Oil gets dirty... Viscosities change... People change... Hairstyles change... Your engine goes clunk... right...? Now in our eyes that happened because we didn't maintain our engine... In the eyes of a middle easterner it happened because Allah willed it to be so... And if you would have prevented that, you would have tried to change Allah's will... that is baaaaaaaaaad... Who are we to screw with Allah...? Nobody (Allah = God) ... You think that is ridiculous... But now for the head trip... They think it is equally ridiculous that you would mess with the Big Man upstairs... Now this is a small superficial, probably not doing anybody justice example... But what we have to remember is that these people think in a totally different way... And we are not going to get them to think our way... That is the wrong way to do things... That is oppression... What we need to do is think of things in their eyes and understand that it is different... Likewise they need to do the same...
Being a lazy person myself I can appreciate their position... But I am also a realist... I don't need to go to church to realize that I am hungry not because God wants me to hungry... It's because I was too lazy to make myself a burrito... a green chile burrito... with beans... and salsa... GOD PLEASE SEND ME A BURRITO...!
Rant of the day...
Have you ever thought about Diseases... Why are they always negative...? Wouldn't it be nice if you got infected with something that did something beneficial to your life... Like awe man I got lottahairalocious... And your hair grows thick as opposed to going bald... Or perhaps AIDS...
Auto Immune Durability Syndrome... Where you can't get sick for a period of up to 10 years... Have you ever thought of that...?

A kitchen knife cannot carve its own handle.
-Korean Proverb

“We’re never going to back down, we’re never going to give in, we’ll never accept anything less than total victory,” Bush said in a video conference with soldiers from the Army’s 42nd Infantry Division, based in Tikrit.
HOO-AHH...! Nothing less can be said as another American soldier was killed today over here... We better get 'er done... Not for Pres. Bush... But for the dead American and his family...
By the way... The picture above is the Oil Dynasty... We will just call the unidentified guy in the front M-Lo... till he gives me the ok to post his name... I will discuss his importance in a future post...
Before I go any further I wanted to correct something I said earlier... You see my mind works in mysterious ways... Well not so mysterious since I know how it works and I am about to tell you how it works... I will do stuff... Then over the course of the following days or weeks... I review the way I have acted, said things, basically everything and in this case typed things... I stated in a previous post that my brother is the luckiest guy I know... That is not true... That type of statement does not do him justice... He is not lucky... Behind every instance of "Luck" there has been countless hours of hard work... So everyone raise their bottles of water (cuz that is all we have here) and say This Bottle is For You...! My Capo, the Man, the Lee... May the Schfitz be with you... always...
Tomorrow is going to be an important day in Iraq... They are voting for the Iraq National Referendum... Should be equally exciting and dangerous... This is where the free peoples of Iraq show their mettle... Imagine wondering if you were going to get blown up on the way to the polling station... Perhaps the possibility of your head or the heads of your spouse and kids would be lopped off due to your participation in the voting... Whether the Referendum is ratified or not is unimportant (in my eyes) ... What is important is that as many Iraqis as possible are dipping their fingers in the ink... As Americans we take voting for granted... The Iraqis need understand the importance of the individual in society with the vote... Once they get that down then they can act like a lazy American and forget to vote while complaining about the government...
No adventures for this post unless you consider the way a certain Airman drives his HUMVEE... But he shall remain nameless until he gives me the ok to post his name... Speaking of posts... Remember our deal... If you read... then you must heed... Heed my rule...! Post a comment...! I want you... To want me...! I waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaant you to want me... I had a flash back of my childhood when I used to wake up to Cheap Trick... So just post comments or I will sing again... Did you wake up this morning and feel like Tony Montana... yea neither did I...

In this country, you gotta make the money first. Then when you get the money, you get the power. Then when you get the power, then you get the women.
-Tony Montana

Fo Sheezie My Neezies...
I haven't put a post in for a couple days... SORRY! Ok that is going to happen... Why... Why ask Why... Don't try Bud Dry... Do they even make it anymore...? Back to the point... Every 2 weeks I am mandated by my kingdom (no the oil thing hasn't gone to my head) to inspect my lands... Close and a far... I just got back from a base in Kirkuk... Bust out your trusty old map... Find Baghdad... go north... Find Tikrit... Go northeast... Find Kirkuk... Kirkuk is a very interesting city going through some very interesting times... If you know anything about Iraq you know there are different types of people here... Well they think so... You got Sunnis, Shiites (hehe) , and Kurds... Well you got a lot more... but let us keep it simple... hmm...
Let's do some Iraqi EthnoPetrol 101...
You have oil in Southern Iraq (where the Shiites live) , North Iraq (Kurds) , and buttkiss, nada, zero, no oil in the middle (Sunnis) ... During the days of Saddam (a Sunni himself) ... The Sunnis oppressed the Shiites, went genocidal on the Kurds and took over all the oil in Iraq because they had none ... Now let me tell you about the Kurds... These are some hard piping homies that have cajones of molten lead... They have been fending off the Sunnis and the Turks (they get no love) from their mountains in northern Iraq for decades... (FYI: Kurdish means we have no friends but the mountains) After we beat down Saddam for the second time they came up like Tony Montana... Got themselves some guns, some government and starting running thangz... The bad guys don't even try to mess around up there cuz the Peshmerga (Peshmerga= Kurdish military... High Speed Individuals) would stick a 9 up the Sunni's perverbial cul'o and pull the trigger till it goes "Click"... You know how they say nobody likes us over here...? Save for the KURDS...! They love us...! They want us to stay...! They say things to the tune of we did not start living until the Americans came... If you roll around any Kurd run areas they are liable to mob you as a savior... Sounds good huh...? Wrong... Well politically speaking it is wrong... We are trying to make one country over here... If the Kurds get to powerful they might tip the fragile balance causing a Civil War... bad ju ju capice...?
Before we get N2Deep let's get Back to the Hotel... Hotel Kirkuk that is... Kirkuk is vital to the cause because of... Come on...? Haven't you been paying attention...? OIL...! The oil fields are all around it... By the way... New estimates came in that say maybe 15% of the world's oil could be hiding under this mess... Saddam knew this man...! That is why he injected like a poison his Sunni people into Kirkuk and ejected like a bad cassette the Kurds... Guess what Saddam... SAY 'ELLO TO MY KURDISH FRIEND...! They are starting to clean up shop there... This looks like a civil war bomb in the queue... Hold on now... We being Americans see opportunity... If we can get them to live together it might just start something great... And that is our lesson on EthnoPetrol 101...
So yes... I was in Kirkuk... My mission there is to get the oil flowing out of the grounds... into a refinery... into a power plant... and juicing their Mario Kart games... Cause that makes people happy and much like R. Kelly's song "Happy People" is what we want... SO I CAN GO HOME AND EAT SOME GREEN ENCHILADAS...! Let's get to work... Met some Iraqi Generals... at least that is what they call themselves... I mean... they are generals... but of what...? Kind of like having a Masters Degree... What does that mean...? Are you my Masta now...? Anyways... Saw an Iraqi army battalion graduate basic training... their job... to secure the oil lines from the bad guys... They don't goose step anymore (goose stepping is the military march of the bad guy in my opinion at least... Nazi Army, North Korea, the vodka drinking Russkies, countries like that goose step) ... which means they are coming around to the light... But half the battalion were wearing sneakers instead of boots... and couldn't perform a facing movement if their life depended on it... (UCLA DET 055 Silent Knights Drill Team could teach them a thing or two) ... But they are just the beginning... I am sure the grunt armies of George Washington's were looked poorly upon by the Brittish and their Red Coat Army... There are daily reports from the lines of these guys getting blasted by the terrorists... So send a prayer their way... Hopefully it will be for something more than just cheap gas... Part of my job is to get these guys the facilities they need to do their job... Smiling and exchanging non-verbal greetings with them made me appreciate that aspect of this position a lot more... After that, we went to the US Embassy in Kirkuk that is guarded by Columbians... from Columbia (go figure) ... They did have excellent food (kitchen was run by the Columbians) ... After going the usual heckling of not knowing enough spanish from the guards I said Hasta Luego and went on my merry way... punks... On the way back to base we drove by Chemical Ali's old house... He was the guy in charge of Saddam's Chemical Weapons program and aided in the gassing of... you guessed it... A Kurdish town that killed thousands... Nice house... Saddam must pay well...
This morning we had to convoy back to Tikrit... Not the most pleasant of experiences... I think we counted 65 craters on the road from previous IEDs and VBIEDS (Improvised Explosive Device and Vehicle Bourne Improvised Explosive Device) ... The only time we felt somewhat secure was when about 6 Apaches helicoptors flew by... So far I have 6 convoys and 2 helicopter rides under my belt... Straight Veterano... uh yea...

Trust in Allah, but tie your camel...
-Old Islamic Proverb

I AM JEWISH
My mother is Jewish... My father is Jewish...
Of course I am not Jewish... These are the last words of the Daniel Pearl... If you remember he was the reporter that was kidnapped and beheaded at the beginning of the War on Terror... Now what does this have to do with this blog... What does anything have to do with anything... Obviously since this input was started on Sunday it has to with what the message of the week was pronounced at Mass today... By the way, Mass was conducted in one of Saddam's palaces by a priest in Desert Camouflage robes... A young priest that listens to Jon Bon Jovi... to each his own... From what I gather the jist of the message was that "We" are all in this together... "We" in the global sense... "We" need to learn to love each other... our likeness... our differences... our successes... our faults... Because you can have no true love for God, Allah, Yaweh, Bhudda, Vishnu, Mother Earth, your lucky dice, etc. whatever you believe in, without loving each other... This love isn't that gushy love that one has for their girlfriend or whatever... It is love in the respectful humane sense... Think about that the next time someone cuts you off on the 405 fwy... Daniel Pearl found comfort that he was part of "We" that was bigger than himself yet equally important... If we all could have that sense of comfort in with each other... Things would be better... That is what I think...
My adventure story...
Mark's paid vacation in the wonderful palaces of Tikrit (Where Saddam's troubled youth began) continues with tales of adventure... This one starts with the unassuming Capt Jaramillo sitting in a meeting where things are discussed... obviously... With a wave of a pen, a sprinkle of ink and knowledge of an unused bachelor's degree I was appointed the Northern Iraq Minister of Oil... Bust out your map (Or look for a map of Iraq... GlobalSecurity.org has a beautful one) ... Look for Baghdad... go 30 miles north (Mashada)... Everything above that parallel is mine... Including wonderful places like Mashada, Thar Thar, Samarra, Tikrit, Bayji, Kirkuk and other wonderfully named places... Some statistics... This region contains 6% of the world's oil fields... These oil fields are tapped and sent to pumping stations... these pumping stations pump to refineries... that produce fuel for power plants... that power pumping stations that pump the oil to sea ports... The sea ports fill big tankers and sail to refineries in the U.S.A. (God Bless it) ... Then to a gas station near you... At lower prices... In Shallah... But first I have to do my job... My job is to get this industry on its feet so that can happen... I do my job... Oil flows, Iraq government gets money, Bad guys go away, Exxon moves in, cheaper gasoline for all... I take too long getting my morning coffee... Oil no flow, Iraq government goes into a civil war, Bad guys win, Exxon says heck no, gas prices continue to rise... I know what you are thinking... No way that is your job... I can't believe it either... My staff consists of one Senior Airmen... Fortunately for your pocket's sake we are both latino... Don't worry itz covered... If anybody knows oil, it is latinos... I mean look at my hair in high school... That is Tres Flores baby... The finest petroleum product ever made... Si mon... The first duty of the Northen Iraqi Minister of Oil was to survey his lands... What better way than a UH-60 Blackhawk... Haven't been in Iraq 24 hours and they strapped me into this beast of power, metal... and yes oil... ZOOOOOOM off into the wild blue in a whirl of dust... A wonderful experience... I saw the refineries, pumping stations, stabilization plants (were they take the Hydrogen Sulfide out of the Raw Crude Oil because it is corrosive to the whole refining process... Chemical Engineers RULE!) , storage tanks and lots of piping... We got's lots of work to do... I know you want to know more about that stuff, but let me get to the important part of the adventure... The children... The children...? The children... Sure we flew over that money making stuff but we also flew over villages that looked like civilization was just a good idea... The children... They came out of those earth baked clay houses like doves out of heaven... Waving their hands out to us like there trying to tell us to come and play a game of tag... Not just a couple of times... Every house we flew by... The children just came pouring out... It was an amazing site and a sobering slap of why I am here... Getting the oil up will make a few people very rich... but maybe it will also trickle down to these kids... Speaking of the kids... I will be posting my mailing address in a couple of days or three... If you would like to donate some kiddie stuff like hard candy (nothing that melts at low temps) or other things... please do... I will make sure an Iraqi child will get it... Maybe just maybe the child will grow up and remember the nice American that gave him/her a toy and will pass along the happiness... Better that than remembering when the AIF (Anti Iraqi Forces) gave him his first AK-47... The choice is ours...
Now I know to the shagrin of some of my loved ones, flying around in a helocopter and interacting with the locals is something to be avoided... I can only state that God has placed me here to do a job... and I don't plan to disappoint... Have faith and pray that my soul and the souls of my fellow Americans is ready for whatever may come... That is all "We" can ask for...

A lie gets around the world before the truth puts its' boots on...
-Unnamed Chief Warrent Officer

ITZ GOING TO BE A BUMPY RIDE!
Good Evening yallz busters... Better recognize... Where I come from is still the westcyde till I die... why ask why...? as the world keeps spinning to J A R A M I Double L O... Doncha know...?
oooooooookay...
Well since it has been a while since I updated my Blog... I have a lot to catch up on... To my fortune I haven't told anybody about this blog until now... So you haven't missed a thang...
So let us see if I can grab your dilapidated visual cortex and have you come back for more... I know I will...
I promise I will make every effort to update this thing daily with my qwerps and unwitty humor... as well as my views on not so new movies, books, and Iraqi Reconstruction 101...
THE ULTIMATE UPDATE
Since August 28th I have been shot up, shot at, shot things and various other fun things the U.S. Army likes to put people through... Let me remind you I joined the Air Force... not the Army... I guess you could say I was leased to the Army for 8 monthz... As I just found out it was because of another foolish decision in my life to become a faux-Chemical Engineer... more on that later...
Ok... a rational military minded person has already pointed out with their eyebrow that you can't just send an Air Force officer into the Army... That is like slipping in Ying Yang Twinz track at a Rodeo dance... You just don't do that... In the Army you just don't do that without training...
So I was off to Ft. Carson Colorado (next to Colorado Springs) for my formal deairforcification and my take it in the rear army training... There I learned how to kill people, heal people, and peal open an MRE in less than 2 seconds... Besides teaching us there is nothing you can do but to drive faster to escape an IED (Improvised Explosive Device) that was the jist...
Off to D.C... After my green paint dried off, I took a shot of Patriotic enhanced energy drink Red White and Bull (get it?) while touring the sites of our nation's capitol... My very cool and supportive parents came out there to see the sites with my for the first time... At night I met up with my old friend Annie and her boyfriend Minh to see the sites at night... THANKS GUYS! The Iwo Jima memorial at night is something I will never forget... unlike that bowling game... ANYWAYS... Then the coolest thing ever as my bud (the one that used to make things smooth), Nolan Sambrano made a trek all the way from Connecticut to see me one more time before my innocence is lost in the sand... Anyone that is willing take a 6 hour tour on a train and a chinese bus named Double Happiness to see his friend for a couple of hours (less than 16 hours!) is worthy of remembrance... and a Hoo-ah bar!!! Send me your address Nolan! Note to others... Do something nice... get a Hoo-ah bar... But for real... serio for a sec... Nolan... I appreciate it more than you could imagine... even if my chances of getting shot were a lot higher at the McDonalds than here in Iraq (50% vs 25%) ... Thanks Nolan... I will see you on the tracks of Mario Kart...
Off to Kuwait... On the way making stops in the Reichland (where I could swear I heard by brother partying with my cousins) and the place where the Sopranos came from, I arrived in Kuwait... quickly shipped off to Army training part deux...
Off to Tatooine... To all you Star Wars aficionados you would love this place... You could almost smell Obi-Wan's home cooking... Why does the military find the worst places on earth to conduct training...? Why? WHY WHY! Anyways... More shooting... la la la... and we are done...
From Tatooine to Naboo...err excuse me... Ali Al Salim AB (Air Base) ... One of these when I am bored I will go over the subtle differences between an Air Force Base in the middle of hell... and an Army Base in the middle of hell... Let us just say for now I had a Cinnibon every morning with my cappuccino while pondering if I wanted to get a back rub or a manicure...
Off to Iraq... Finally I arrived in a country where people really like us... Taking a C-130 in the middle of the night it truely a blast... I recommend it at least once in your life... oooohh your not in the military? HAHA too bad...! Don't you wish you were in my position...?!?! Me over here in the middle of Iraq... you over there in front of your TV with a frosty... cold... perspiring... commercially induced brainwashed thirst for that alcoholic beverage...
...moment please...
...composure regained...
i hate you
Just kidding...! Ok... So yea that was cool... Landed at a FOB (Forward Operating Base) ... name withheld due to security reasons... Then we took a cruise through Tikrit aka convoy to get to another FOB... Convoy's will be the topic of another blog because of the sense of dread, fear, and excitement they produce... And here I am... Chilling at one of Saddam's old palaces... I love what the U.S. Army has done with the place...
Well it is chow time... and my finger tips hurt... so you can go now... but don't forget to come back...
I know I will... Inshallah...

Wars do not make one great...
- Yoda